


Flicker

by byunkim0421



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Fluff, I'm Sorry I Felt Tortured Too, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Sad, Sick Character, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-07-13 02:30:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16008416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/byunkim0421/pseuds/byunkim0421
Summary: A call from home had Jongdae dropping everything. For one person. The right person.





	Flicker

**Author's Note:**

> Ready some tissues. Is this considered a songfic?

Flicker

 

Sometimes life enjoyed playing the bad guy. Baekhyun’s room’s been locked for eight days already. No matter how many times Baekhyun’s half-brother Chanyeol knocked on the door to eat, it never opened. He’s encountered seven delivery men at their doorstep, only to redirect them to the side of the house where a pulley’s been installed. Pizza boxes, paper bags of food, and spare change have been doing up and down when needed.

 

“No luck?” Sehun asked upon seeing Chanyeol from the side of the house.

“No. Rough time,” Chanyeol sighed. Sehun nodded sullenly, understanding the situation.

“He hasn’t come out?” Chanyeol shook his head.

“Everyone’s been like that since it happened.” Sehun looked at his shoes, sadness creeping in. “We all miss him.”

“Not as much as he,”

—

This all started when they got a call from the hospital. Chanyeol and Baekhyun drove there feeling heavy. Baekhyun’s test results were finished. They’ll find out if his throat’s alright. He’s coughed up blood once and Chanyeol’s panicking like an overprotective mother. Good thing he did. But they were still too late. What started out as a simple cold worsened without them knowing. Baekhyun’s been diagnosed with throat cancer.

 

He stared at the edge of the doctor’s desk, tuning out all the sounds. He ignored Chanyeol’s denial, his cries for explanation, his questions about this. All there was was numbness. He couldn’t feel his head, his hands, his heartbeat. If cancer was bad enough, having a deadline became the topping of this slice of humble pie. 3 months. He’s got 3 months left to live. To say goodbye.

 

Chanyeol cried outside the doctor’s office like he’s the one dying. Baekhyun consoled him, still smiling at his younger brother. He’s teasing him for crying in an ugly way, that his sobs sounded like a tortured whale, but it’s a defence mechanism. Even Chanyeol knew that. It still didn’t amount to the pain Chanyeol felt knowing he’d be living alone in 3 months. All he could think of was Baekhyun having his last birthday and not making it to next year, to Christmas, to his birthday, not even Jongdae’s birthday. _Shit._

 

He looked at his eerily calm brother, all sense of selfishness disappearing. How were they going to tell Jongdae? He’s on the other side of the world. They couldn’t just tell him to come home, not when his career’s going so well. Chanyeol wondered if Baekhyun was even going to tell him.

 

“Why would I tell Jongdae such thing? We’re not together anymore.” Baekhyun scoffed, driving carefully. He didn’t want to die before his deadline. Chanyeol was too unstable to do so because of emotional whiplash.

“But don’t you want to see him one more time?” Chanyeol reasoned. “You didn’t break up because either of you cheated or what. You’re just uncomfortable with long distance relationships.”

“I’m not going to be home wrecker in my final days on earth.” Baekhyun rolled his eyes after adjusting his glasses. Chanyeol’s eyes opened wider, prompting an elaboration. “He’s engaged to his high school sweetheart. They met up once he got settled in New York.”

“He proposed or,”

“The sweetheart did. He told me after it happened. We’re friends anyways.” Baekhyun shrugged. “And don’t you dare tell him, Park Chanyeol! It’s not your secret to tell.”

“Alright. Then who can I tell? I need to express my emotions too. You’re not the only having a,” hiccup. “A h-hard time!” The waterworks continued. “Why are you so calm? You should be crying too! You’re going to leave me alone.” Baekhyun chuckled.

“Why would I be upset? Do I have time to be? I’ll cry about it when I’m dead.” What a cruel joke.

“Okay, then who can I tell?” Chanyeol crossed his arms over his chest, pouting and sniffing.

“Anyone who will actually miss me.” Baekhyun challenged. And an invisible lightbulb lit over Chanyeol’s head.

—

Baekhyun’s out with his buddies Kyungsoo and Jongin a week after knowing about the news. His schedule’s pretty packed since the news came out. All of his friends wanted one last moment with him and Baekhyun needed it. Chanyeol drove to the airport after he left, hoping they’d not cross each other on the streets. When he’s far from their area, he drove faster. Jongdae’s plane would be landing soon.

 

How did this happen? Chanyeol and a phone. Baekhyun said don’t tell Jongdae. But he also said tell anyone who would miss him. That pretty much cancelled out the request in Chanyeol’s head. So he called Jongdae the night after the diagnosis.

 

“Hello, a-are you Kim Jongdae?” Chanyeol hugged his pillow, trying to calm his heart.

“No. This is his fiancé.” Oh shit. “Who is this?”

“Um, it’s um, a friend from…home?” Chanyeol tried to not give himself away.

“Oh. Jongdae, it’s for you.” Thank God he didn’t press further.

“Hello?” It’s him!

“Jongdae! Oh thank God!”

“Chanyeolie?” Jongdae’s shock couldn’t be suppressed. “Why are you calling? Hold on.” He’s suddenly whispering? “Minseokkie, I’ll take this outside.”

 

Minseokkie allowed. Chanyeol heard a door close and Jongdae repeating his question louder this time. Chanyeol didn’t beat around the bush. He demanded Jongdae home.

 

“Why?” Jongdae thought he was crazy to ask something so sudden. “Is Baekhyun okay?” Hook and sinker. Chanyeol felt confident about his gut feeling about his brother and Jongdae. They never fell out of love with each other.

“No. He told me not to tell you because he didn’t want to be a home wrecker.” Chanyeol enjoyed throwing his brother under the bus sometimes. It gave him a sense of righteousness, he thought.

“Is he crashing my wedding?” Jongdae’s smile could be heard.

“Do you want him to?”

“I thought about it once or twice.” Was that a joke or…?

“Well, he can’t. Not when he’s dying. The doctor said no more plane rides.” Chanyeol spoke so casually.

“That’s a sick joke, Chanyeol.”

“I hope I was. Ask Kyungsoo or Junmyeon.” If those two people were concerned, then it’s serious. Jongdae didn’t hesitate anymore. Chanyeol requested him to hop on the first plane back home and he saw it done.

—

Jongdae was happy to be home. It also felt very bittersweet. Baekhyun didn’t know he was home and he’s not entirely sure if he wanted to see him again. Jongdae felt his rationality creeping in. Why did he agree to this without thinking it through? What if Baekhyun just turned away from him? Where would he go? Definitely not back to New York. Not when he…

 

“You called off your engagement? Jongdae! Why did you do that?” Chanyeol screamed, almost hitting another car.

“Yes, see.” Jongdae showed his fingers. No ring. “It was that or never seeing your brother again.”

 

_Jongdae didn’t say a word to Minseok about the call. He went through his day like his world wasn’t shaken up. Minseok asked why did a friend from home called. Jongdae dodged it perfectly, saying it’s just a friend wondering if he’ll make it to his wedding. Minseok nodded, squeezing a concern about their wedding, asking if he wanted some friends from home to attend. Jongdae shook his head, escaping to get to work._

 

_He didn’t even go to work. He crashed with a friend, his old roommate, to cry his eyes out. Yixing watched Jongdae sob on his old bed, punching his pillows, screaming and sobbing for the heavens to take him instead. Yixing left him alone until the crying stopped. Jongdae fell asleep due to exhaustion. Yixing knew about Baekhyun. He’s met him a few times back home, knowing him as Jongdae’s little light. The boy just lit up when they’re together. He was surprised they broke up and Jongdae got engaged just a few months after. Now he’s crying about his ex? Yixing’s suspicion rose._

 

_Jongdae went out of the bedroom to join Yixing for dinner. He booked a flight after waking up. He’s that decided to see him again. Yixing saw the emailed receipt, asking why he needed to go back home. Jongdae wasn’t the type to sugarcoat things. He plainly said Baekhyun’s dying. Yixing’s fork stopped midair, dropping it to the plate in shock._

 

_“His brother called. I’m getting on the first plane back to see him.” Jongdae sighed, not even hungry anymore._

_“And then? What will happen then?” Yixing felt that he’s acting on impulse. He really was._

_“See him, near or far. Remember him as much as I can, I guess.” Jongdae shrugged._

_“And that ring? What is that for then? Isn’t that a little harsh for Minseok?” The elder had a point._

 

_The truth flowed out of Jongdae. He wasn’t fully on board with this marriage. He admitted that it might be a good reason to forget about Baekhyun. But the guy’s his best friend since forever, his first love. How could he just forget that? It’s not like they broke up because of something so unforgivable. Jongdae just had to be away for his career. Baekhyun wasn’t alright with that and they decided mutually. It never meant any of them fell out of love with each other. Hell, Jongdae even the decency to tell Baekhyun he’s seeing someone again. So yes, Jongdae felt that this engagement was a trap._

 

_“That’s such a douche move, Jongdae.” Yixing’s face contorted with disgust._

_“I’ll deal with that when I get home. I’m pretty sure Minseok will guilt trip me for it.” Jongdae felt more exhausted just thinking about the events sooner. And he’s right._

 

_“Where were you today?” Minseok greeted his fiancé with sweetness, kissing him square on the lips. Jongdae knew that. He knew that so well._

_“With Yixing,” Half true. Jongdae pulled away from him slowly to go to their shared room._

_“All day?” Minseok followed. Of course. Jongdae really didn’t mean to snap. But he kind of did?_

_“I think we both know the answer to that. Please, Minseok, I’m not in the mood to talk.” And the suitcase’s rolled out. Minseok slightly panicked. Their bed was dirtied by the luggage. Jongdae’s clothes flew in the case messily. It was too much for his OCD. On top of that, where was he going?_

 

_Jongdae didn’t mean to make a scene but his mind’s just all over the place. He just wanted to go home, to hug his best friend, to apologise, to just…spend his last moments with him._

 

_“That friend from home, was-was it Baekhyun?” Minseok took a wild guess. Jongdae dumped his toiletries with his clothes. Let the insecurity rant begin. “Y-You’re going home? Why? A-Are you leaving me?”_

_“No. Baekhyun’s sick. I have to make sure he’s fine.” Jongdae kept it vague. The truth hurt too much._

_“Why you? Just video call him. Why, why do you have to fly back there? Am I not enough? I promise to be more understanding this time.” Minseok blocked Jongdae’s path, taking his clothes and putting them back in the closet._

_“Minnie, you are. You’re special indeed but it’s not something I’d like to console through a camera. It’s just for a few weeks.” Because Baekhyun really just had a few weeks to live._

_“Weeks? What am I supposed to do while my fiancé’s miles away with his ex? I wait for you until you’re done having fun with him? Last time I checked, he didn’t call me to borrow you. You think I’d let him? No! Jongdae, we’re getting married! You’re not going anywhere.” Minseok hugged Jongdae possessively. Oh the metaphor finally matched the physical. Jongdae’s really feeling suffocated now._

_“I’ll be home after a few weeks. It’s just a visit, Minseok. And he’s not the only one I’m seeing. I have parents too. Calm down, please.” Jongdae forcefully took his fiancé’s grasp off of him._

_“But you’re choosing him over me. You’re itching to leave me, look. I’m just second place. Don’t even deny it, Jongdae.”_

 

_Jongdae stopped walking around, releasing a heavy sigh. He’s really had enough of this. It’s always been like this when Baekhyun’s concerned. At first, it was no big deal but a late night message woke Minseok up. It irritated him that it’s Baekhyun. The morning after was a mess. Jongdae kept explaining it wasn’t anything suspicious. He even showed his phone and the message thread. He’s innocent. And Minseok didn’t even apologise for overreacting. He just threatened Jongdae that he’ll leave if it happened again._

 

_Suddenly, when Baekhyun’s concerned, Minseok turned into a jealous monster that threw fits, only to threaten Jongdae in the end. It’s the same thing every argument. Jongdae even gave up fighting. He just nodded and accepted, going in one ear then out. He took Minseok’s cursing and badmouthing to Baekhyun with some salt and went on with his life. But who was there to make him feel better? An online Baekhyun._

 

_Yes, this could be a form of cheating but they weren’t flirting. They were simply sharing worries…like what friends do. And Minseok placed the malice when he saw the small smile on his fiancé’s lips every time. He even threw Jongdae’s phone across the room after seeing Baekhyun sent a selca. A harmless selca with his new cactus. Jongdae paid for his phone repairs…because Minseok was adamant it wasn’t his fault. It never was Minseok’s fault. Jongdae rolled his eyes at that but stopped contacting Baekhyun entirely. Minseok didn’t stop. His paranoia that Baekhyun’s going to steal Jongdae from him grew stronger with every message alert on Jongdae’s phone. What was there to steal when it was never his to begin with?_

 

_Jongdae turned around, facing Minseok. “Just stop this, please Minseok, it’s just a few weeks. Call it closure, a goodbye. I’ll never see him again after that. I’m all yours after that. We’ll get married first thing. Just please let me go this one time. I’m asking you only this. Just give me this, Minseok.” Jongdae held his hands, begging with all his heart._

_“No.”_

_“Please.”_

_“Why should I? What’s so important that you have to be with him? Do it over the phone!” Minseok screamed, shoving Jongdae’s shoulder hard. It made him stumble back a bit. Minseok’s harsh with words but never physical. He knew Jongdae didn’t like being touched on his shoulders because of some trauma as a child. But Minseok used it to pick up a bigger fight. Baekhyun never did that to him. It’s always with words. The reasons for him to come home were clearer._

_“You want to know why I’m going home? Okay.” Jongdae’s eyes were fierce. His jaw tensed, taking an intimidating step towards Minseok. This alarmed the other. Jongdae’s never like this. No, he’s never seen Jongdae like this. “Baekhyun’s dying, Minseok. Did you hear that?” He leaned to the other’s ear. “Baekhyun’s dying. Just let me go. After he’s gone I’m yours.”_

_“Okay, so I am second place.” Minseok didn’t like the thought at all. “Jongdae, don’t you forget I helped you enter that musical.”_

 

_Of course. Minseok always had something to use against him. Jongdae was appalled. He stared at his fiancé with horror. How could he be so mean? Jongdae couldn’t even believe that was just thrown out there. He finished dumping 80% of his stuff in two suitcases (because that’s all he had anyway in Minseok’s place) and rolled them to the door. “You know what, keep your stupid role, Minseok. I’m fine with my career back home.”_

 

_Minseok ran after Jongdae, not accepting that his word’s not the final say. Jongdae dumped his shoes in the second suitcase, hurrying already. Minseok hugged him from behind, begging him not to go. He said he’d be more understanding, just don’t leave. Jongdae ran his hands over his face, agitated. He’s heard this so many times already._

_“Do you even understand me now? Do I need to say it again? Baekhyun. Is. Dying. Why won’t you let me say goodbye?” Jongdae choked on the lump in his throat. The truth was crashing down on him._

_“Good riddance.” He accompanied with an eye roll._

 

_That’s it. Jongdae couldn’t take it anymore. He forcefully removed Minseok’s arms around him, shrugging his coat on. He took his keys, taking out the key to Minseok’s place._

_“What are you doing?” Minseok panicked, seeing the metal on the table. “Are you choosing him? Come on, Jongdae. He’s just using some fake sickness to get you back.”_

_“I promise you, he’s not asking me back.” Jongdae stood beside his suitcases already. “I will. I’m going home. To Baekhyun. Whether you like it or not.” Slowly, Jongdae loosened the ring around his finger. Minseok’s eyes watered. Jongdae looked at them one last time. “I’m not sorry, Minseok.”_

 

_The drop of the ring on the wood left like a heavy bell ringing to their ears. There Minseok realised Jongdae was never his. That he was nothing but a bandaid. A small one that couldn’t hold it together. “How could you say that? How could say with whole chest that someone dying’s supposed to be celebrated? He’s also your friend, Minseok. Did you even hear yourself? Me? Baekhyun is dying, Minseok. Stage four throat cancer with only three months to live, and you’re wishing that?”_

_“W-what? W-Why didn’t you tell me?” Minseok’s voice betrayed him. The tears in his eyes finally fell. He didn’t realise._

_“I tried. I’ve been trying to all night. But you never listen to me.” Jongdae scoffed, shaking his head._

_“I-I do, Jongdae. I’m trying to.” Minseok tried to follow._

_“You know, Baekhyun’s heard me from seas away more than you, who is actually beside me. Isn’t that crazy?” The sarcasm dipped his words._

 

_So Jongdae dropped everything; his musical role, probably half his career, his fiancé, his future. Just to spend just a few more moments with Baekhyun. He slept in the airport, no, barely slept there. All he thought was Baekhyun’s state. Was he in pain? Did he continue going out with his friends? Would he be happy to see him again? Jongdae would surely be. He looked at his left hand, feeling it bare. It felt like a huge weight off his shoulders. He felt free. He’s smiling again. He felt…like Jongdae…who was going to lose Baekhyun in a few weeks._

_—_

Chanyeol helped Jongdae get settled in his parents’ home. They moved already to another city but still owned this house. Jongdae sat on the sofa slowly, knees betraying him. Chanyeol checked if he’s alright. Jongdae chuckled awkwardly, reality hitting him. This was happening. He’s home. Baekhyun’s really sick. Chanyeol hugged him around his shoulders, rubbing his back. They both cried, leaning on each other at this difficult time. Who else did they have anyway? Certainly not Baekhyun in a few weeks.

 

Baekhyun felt odd about his friends’ sudden invitation. They were well into the night in the local pub, laughing at stories and ordering meals. Although he could only have water, he still treated it like alcohol. As if he could carry that well either. Kyungsoo spat his drink to Sehun upon seeing who entered with Chanyeol. Sehun wiped his face while hitting his elder for the shower.

“J-J-J,” Kyungsoo stuttered, eyes hardening at the sight.

“Juice?” Jongin guessed.

“Juseyo?” Junmyeon tried.

“Jongin?” Baekhyun’s brows furrowed. Kyungsoo grabbed Sehun’s chin, turning his head to the door. Sehun’s eyes went wide, standing up like he just saw a ghost. Everyone followed the gaze. Junmyeon let out a laugh while Jongin stood up and screamed the name of the person beside Chanyeol. Baekhyun stopped functioning.

 

“Oh, everyone’s here? Look who I saw around the market a while ago.” Chanyeol spoke casually like he didn’t plan this. He was literally waiting for Jongdae outside the pub.

“Jongdae!” Junmyeon stood first, hugging their homecoming hero.

“Ah Junmyeon! You look well!” Jongdae smiled, really happy to see him and everyone. Kyungsoo looked at Baekhyun, worried about him and their friend’s sudden arrival.

“Baekhyun, aren’t you going to say hi?” He whispered. Baekhyun blinked twice, standing slowly.

 

He didn’t want his voice to betray him. He sounded like he smoked three packs of cigarettes at times, an effect of his illness. Jongdae’s eyes met with his. He couldn’t help but match his smile. Were their heartbeats the same too? Jongdae pulled Sehun out of the way and gave his best friend a bone crushing hug. He spun them so Baekhyun didn’t see their friends. Chanyeol whispered to Junmyeon and Jongin that Jongdae already knew but Jongdae still mouthed that he knew.

 

The mood slightly dampened. Baekhyun held his best friend tight, burying his nose to the other’s shoulder. Oh he missed him so much. It’s a miracle to have him home at the time like this. For a moment, he felt that everything will be fine. Jongdae’s hand was in Baekhyun’s hair, cradling him gently. “I’m here!” He said excitedly, but repeated it again softer this time, the meaning deepening. He mouthed to Chanyeol his thanks.

 

“Great! The gang’s here! Sir, one round for this table!” Chanyeol clapped, taking a seat with their friends.

“D-Do you want to stay or we can,” Jongdae pointed to go outside. Baekhyun nodded happily, clinging to his best friend’s arm. He’s awfully quiet, Jongdae thought. But he didn’t push it anymore. He’s read all the effects of throat cancer. Jongdae excused them for a moment.

 

Everyone at the table felt upset and grateful at the same time. Baekhyun hasn’t smiled like that since the news. Chanyeol was a lifesaver for making this happen. But they’re worried. Baekhyun had no intention of telling Jongdae. Could he do it now? What if feelings surfaced all over again?

—

Jongdae and Baekhyun sat on the bench at the park. Only lamps lit the place but they didn’t mind. Baekhyun’s head rest on Jongdae’s shoulder while they held hands. It was a comfortable silence. Yet their hearts trembled with nervousness. What were they going to say? They both had pieces to share. But Baekhyun didn’t like the silence.

 

“When did you get back?” Basic. He did a great job keeping his voice even too.

“Just today. Needed a break from a different place,” Jongdae smiled sadly.

“How’s Minseok?” Baekhyun pulled him gently, making him lie on his lap. Jongdae did so, missing this familiar place. He showed Baekhyun his hands, letting him figure it out. Baekhyun was shocked.

“You leave for work, break up, get engaged and come home clean. Wow. Kim Jongdae, you are a heartthrob.” Baekhyun flicked his finger to the other’s forehead. It made Jongdae wail but didn’t hit Baekhyun for it.

“I came home so you’ll take me back.” Jongdae winked cheekily.

“You’re kidding, right?” Baekhyun scoffed.

“Ah I get it. You won’t take back a piece of trash like me.” Jongdae closed his eyes. Baekhyun pouted. How could Jongdae think that low of himself? Of course he wasn’t happy about his ex getting engaged to someone else. That deserved another forehead flick.

 

Jongdae got up, rubbing his forehead. “Byun Baekhyun, you know how painful that is!” He whined. Baekhyun wrapped his arms around the other, rubbing his cheek to his shoulder as he apologised cutely. How could Jongdae deny him? He kissed Baekhyun’s forehead, hugging his best friend tightly. _You deserve to be hugged once everyday, Baekhyun. I will make sure of it._

—

Baekhyun couldn’t fathom how everything aligned in the best and worst way possible. Chanyeol just came home with groceries. He saw brochures in front of Baekhyun. Chemotherapy brochures. Wasn’t it a little too late already? Baekhyun was decided he didn’t want to try treatment anymore because he already received a deadline. But what was this?

 

He tried his best to hide them quickly but Chanyeol’s pretty tall and could see basically everything. His younger brother didn’t say a word anymore as he fixed the groceries. Baekhyun didn’t like being a culprit so he tried conversing.

 

“Isn’t it weird Jongdae’s back?” Baekhyun croaked. His voice has been changing as time went by.

“Weird how?” Chanyeol stacked the cans properly, turning some so the labels faced front.

“He didn’t tell you? His engagement’s off.” Baekhyun found this odd. Jongdae and Chanyeol were closer with things like this.

“What?” Chanyeol went over the top with his reaction.

“Right? And just decided to come home after that? That’s so impulsive.” Baekhyun pouted, resting his chin on his palm. “You didn’t have anything to do with this, right?”

 

Chanyeol knew that tone. It’s bait for him to bite, to tell the truth. He raised his hands in defeat, shaking his head. He kept pushing he didn’t know and Baekhyun bought it. Baekhyun hopped off the stool to tuck the brochures under his sweater. Chanyeol peeked behind him to check if the other left. But someone knocked on the door so Baekhyun answered it.

 

A huge bouquet of warm coloured flowers greeted him. Jongdae peeked from the side, smiling adorably. Chanyeol was amazed with this guy. So much for keeping it lowkey. Baekhyun smiled, amusingly to be exact, shoving his best friend back with no give.

 

“You didn’t really exactly say I should give up last night.” Jongdae shrugged shyly. Baekhyun tried to play uninterested.

“Ai, where are we going to put that? You should’ve at least brought a v—,”

“A vase?” Jongdae brought a vase from behind him, smiling proudly. Such a Boy Scout. Chanyeol was dying in the kitchen, falling to the floor from his excessive laughing. Jongdae was a very witty suitor. That’s why Baekhyun liked him so much. The blushing Baekhyun gave up, holding the door open for Jongdae wider. He wouldn’t outright admit he liked it but his actions showed so.

 

Jongdae stayed for dinner, helping Chanyeol cook soup and sausages. The two friends stood beside each other; Jongdae cutting ingredients, Chanyeol dumping them in the pans when needed. It was pretty systematic. Baekhyun’s in his room, excusing himself to…clean. The two knew better. Baekhyun hid himself when he felt pain. He still took pills to soothe it, just in case.

 

“It’s been pretty hard knowing about it.” Chanyeol talked softly, keeping the conversation between him and Jongdae.

“How did he take it?” Jongdae wondered.

“Better than me,” Chanyeol found it funny. “It’s like I was the one receiving the deadline. He’s just smiling, you know. Even more so when he saw you last night.” Jongdae leaned on the counter, sighing heavily.

“Is this really a good idea, Yeol? Won’t this be more painful for him?” He worried.

“He said nothing hurts more than a killing machine on your throat trying to choke you at night. That’s the only thing he feels now.”

“So he’s stopped singing?” Chanyeol nodded sadly. That’s probably one of the worst things about this, Jongdae thought. He’s only got the memory of Baekhyun’s wonderful singing from now on. He’s the one that inspired him to sing. It’s unfair he’ll keep doing it while the other sacrificed it.

“Wow! That smells really good!” Baekhyun came down from the stairs. Chanyeol stirred livelily while Jongdae just smiled to himself. At least he still got to hear his voice. Doctors said Baekhyun would start losing his voice sooner. The dwindling time made Jongdae panic inside. How could he make these final moments worth it?

 

Baekhyun’s hands slid on his waist, peeking over his shoulder. Jongdae looked to his right, face very close to the other’s. He’s really beautiful, he thought. Baekhyun saw him staring so he wrapped his arms around Jongdae tighter, pressing his nose and lips to his shoulder. Jongdae turned around his arms, hugging him around the neck to place a kiss on his forehead. “Ah, someone missed me.” He teased. Baekhyun scoffed, pretending he didn’t, but didn’t let go either. Jongdae chuckled, fixing Baekhyun’s bangs over his forehead. Chanyeol side-eyed the two, intentionally dropping the tin lid on the granite. Baekhyun flinched with a gasp while Jongdae punched the other’s arm. “Respect the food.” Chanyeol stressed, stirring furiously. Being single really sucked, he thought, but it meant seeing his brother this happy then it’s worth it.

—

After dinner, the two lovebirds cuddled on the couch. They seemed to be talking too softly. Jongdae’s head was on Baekhyun’s shoulder, arm wrapped around his waist, leg slung over the other’s leg. Baekhyun hugged a pillow over his chest, occasionally looking at Jongdae. Chanyeol wiped the dishes while he walked near the two to eavesdrop. Jongdae’s telling Baekhyun about how he called off his engagement.

 

Minseok never listened to Jongdae. It’s always the older’s way or a fight. He truthfully said Minseok was jealous of Baekhyun, that it became a catalyst for their breakup. Baekhyun understood, noticing the jealousy of the other even before when they were in high school. It still didn’t give Minseok the right to command Jongdae. Baekhyun slightly hated Minseok for that. He wasn’t entirely mad his best friend decided to be engaged with someone just a few months after they broke up. He knew Jongdae needed to bounce back. The breakup wasn’t exactly taken with smiles despite it being mutually decided. Of course Jongdae cried over it. He beat himself up for choosing his career. He even thought this was his biggest regret; losing Baekhyun like that and stuff. It can’t be denied that they loved each other from the stars and back. It’s just…time. It was just never on their side. Jongdae teared up slightly but he’s a strong man. He only shed a tear when it deserved it. This heartbreak kind of did. Despite breaking up before, Baekhyun and Jongdae were really close. A failed relationship wouldn’t break their friendship. After all, they were just labels. One Chanyeol was itching to find out now.

 

“So are you two like…together again?” He asked from above them once the conversation died down.

“What?” Baekhyun looked up.

“Ask him. I’m just trying to get him back.” Jongdae still pouted, still upset about his sharing. Baekhyun awkwardly moved. “No rush. I’m just testing my luck.” Jongdae added. Baekhyun gave Chanyeol a wary look. Having a relationship with Jongdae would just be cruel knowing he’d be dying soon. Chanyeol just shrugged, leaving the ball to Baekhyun’s court.

 

This decision kept him up all night. Would he take Jongdae back? If he was alright, he would. Jongdae’s his most favourite person in the world. Who wouldn’t want a life together with the person you liked the most? But they’re never going to have a life together. Not after 3 months. What if Jongdae began planning about their future? After six months, a year, the next five years? What would happen to them? To Jongdae? It’s surely wouldn’t be happiness. Not when Baekhyun’s no longer beside him.

 

Baekhyun got up and pulled the drawer beside his bed. Chanyeol stirred from his bed, thinking something happened to his brother. Baekhyun began dumping books and notebooks on the floor, finding a particular one. Chanyeol rubbed his eyes, asking what he did. Baekhyun flinched, hugging a tiny notebook to his chest. “I-I can’t let him be sad when I’m gone, Chanyeol. He shouldn’t have come home. Chanyeol, what am I going to do?” He panicked.

 

“Okay,” Chanyeol sat up properly, pulling Baekhyun up from the ground to give him a hug. He really felt soft when his brother cried like a child. “Don’t cry, please.” He wiped his brother’s cheeks with his wrist, pushing his hair off his forehead. “Tell me first why you’re throwing books on the floor.”

“I-I was looking for this. It’s every day I…when we were together.” Baekhyun looked at the leather notebook. “Chanyeol, I can’t be with him. I’m…is it possible to reverse everything we had together?”

—

Jongdae groaned at the sound of his phone ringing under his pillow. He answered it groggily but a cheery greeting woke him. It’s Baekhyun. And he’s outside. Jongdae opened the door while he rubbed one eye. He didn’t bother to wear a shirt because it’s pretty hot. Baekhyun pushed him inside, hands flat to his chest.

 

They fell on the sofa, Baekhyun topping. Jongdae shifted his back, laying comfortably with one arm above him. He had a loose sleepy smile on, which Baekhyun kissed. That woke Jongdae up even more. He gave in, cupping Baekhyun’s face gently to deepen the kiss. Baekhyun giggled, pinching Jongdae’s side. “Did you forget how we used to wake each other up?” Jongdae chuckled as he wiped the corners of the other’s lips. “So we’re really back together?” Jongdae whispered. Baekhyun shrugged. They really didn’t have to label what they were. Maybe those would hurt them more. Jongdae scoffed turning his face away. “You’re mine. Why do I even have to ask?” He muttered sulkily. Baekhyun got up, trying to pull the other up.

 

“That’s right. So get up. Let’s go around town! Let’s parade the homecoming king!” Baekhyun clapped his hands, excited. Jongdae nodded but went back to sleep. Baekhyun rolled his eyes and went to Jongdae’s room. This startled the other. Jongdae got up, rushing to beat Baekhyun to it. He’s left some cancer research on the desk. He promised Chanyeol he won’t get caught and let Baekhyun tell him himself. If Baekhyun went in first, it would ruin everything down to the smile on his face.

 

“Go sit down, Baekhyun. It’s a mess inside. Haven’t unpacked much,” nervous laughter, wonderful. “I’ll just change then we’ll…go! Yes, what’s the weather forecast?”

“Sunny!” Baekhyun smiled. Jongdae nodded, slipping to his room awkwardly. Baekhyun found him adorably odd sometimes but that’s what drew them together.

 

First stop was their old high school. It already closed down because of safety issues. Baekhyun paid the security guard to let them in for the day. Jongdae never thought he’d be back there again. He looked at Baekhyun’s hand, took it, and ran. Like old days. Baekhyun slowed down, struggling to breathe. Jongdae caught his breath too. “We made it!”

 

Baekhyun looked at the view of their town. Jongdae pulled him to the edge, helping him sit properly. Baekhyun hung his arms over the bars as his feet dangled off the side of the building. Jongdae sat down beside him and handed a bottle of water. They looked at the clouds and felt the sea breeze. Jongdae stared at Baekhyun’s serene expression, sadness creeping. “Do you remember?”

 

Baekhyun looked at Jongdae, understanding what he meant. This exact place was where they shared their first kiss. Baekhyun held Jongdae’s hand and rest his forehead on the other’s shoulder. Jongdae pinched his cheek playfully and looked at the view again. “I missed this, you know? New York was just stiff and grey.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Mhmm. It’s quite cold too.” Jongdae shuddered.

 

“Even when you’re with someone?” Baekhyun suddenly regretted implying it. Jongdae ignored it and nodded.

 

“If it’s not the right one,” Jongdae cradled Baekhyun’s face. “I really missed you, Baekhyun. I hated that we broke up. I should’ve been with you. I shouldn’t have been selfish.”

 

“No. I was selfish. You had your future laid out. I was just,” Baekhyun chuckled incredulously upon realising.

 

“You never held me back. You pushed me forward, Baek. Please don’t even think you held me back. Not once did you do that. Please don’t think that.” Jongdae’s emotions poured. He didn’t even realise he held the other’s face in his hands like he’s the most fragile thing on earth. Baekhyun blinked through the tears until it fell from his eyes. It’s been so long since he felt these lips against his. It’s been so long since he felt this warmth. Jongdae was so gentle, so careful with him. Like always. Baekhyun would put this feeling first. Like always. “I’ll always love you, Baek. I always will.” He whispered oh so softly against the other’s lips. When Jongdae opened his eyes, his heart began to hurt.

 

“Jongdae,” Baekhyun still had his eyes closed. “I can’t do this. I can’t hurt you again.” The eyes were opened. Jongdae lowered his head.

 

“I know that. I know you’ll never take me back after everything. At least, I had to try, right?” The small smile on his face felt like a punch to Baekhyun’s gut. He didn’t want that reaction from him. Not that sad posture, that forced smile, definitely not those eyes that clearly showed his heart breaking. Jongdae’s been hurt too much by different people. By people he loved. “At least the last person to ever hurt me is you.” Jongdae leaned in to kiss Baekhyun’s cheek. He gasped upon contact. He wanted to take it back. He wanted Jongdae back. “Let’s go?”

 

Baekhyun looked up to his best friend, who had his hand held out to him. He held on. If time would permit, he’d hold on to it forever. If only they had forever.

—

For a week, Jongdae avoided Baekhyun. It’s not because of the rejection. It’s that moment where he kissed him. The things he’ll miss. He wondered how long would he last. He wondered why he hasn’t cried. Junmyeon advised him to get out of his house. He found a coffee shop two blocks away. It’s fairly new. He entered the shop, bowing to the employees. He got a strong drink and sat down. He didn’t know Baekhyun was there with Kyungsoo. His best friend stood up upon confirming it’s Jongdae. Kyungsoo told him it’s okay to leave. He was going anyway. Kyungsoo watched Baekhyun fix himself and walk over to their friend. Even he felt upset by the turn of events. He worried about Baekhyun but honestly, everyone’s more worried about Jongdae.

 

Baekhyun slid hands from Jongdae’s shoulder down to his chest, locking him into a nice hug. Jongdae looked to right, meeting Baekhyun’s forehead by his nose. “Jongdaeeeee,”

 

“Hmmm?” Jongdae kissed Baekhyun’s forehead, waiting expectantly.

 

“Buy me cake, please.” This made Jongdae chuckle.

 

“Sure, babe.” Jongdae handed his card to Baekhyun.

 

“No, you’re coming with me. No one will steal your stuff.” Baekhyun pulled Jongdae up, dragging him to the counter. Kyungsoo smiled. It’s been so long since he saw this banter. Watching it slowly felt like a knife twisting. Baekhyun ordered to his heart’s content, Jongdae hugging him from behind, kissing his shoulder and neck. Baekhyun smiled warmly to Jongdae, who was still visibly upset. Jongdae looked around, seeing Kyungsoo who just waved at him with a teasing smile. He stuck his tongue out like a bratty boy to him, hugging Baekhyun tighter. Kyungsoo rolled his eyes. They could be so possessive when they wanted to.

 

The two fed each other, giggling stupidly. Kyungsoo wanted to puke. Being apart made them so cheesy. Jongdae wiped Baekhyun’s chin. Baekhyun leaned in to kiss his cheek. A soft thank you was said. Jongdae nodded, giving his reserved smile for Baekhyun only. Jongdae didn’t press further about the act. He was busted but still enjoyed the perks of being together. Baekhyun knew Jongdae wouldn’t look into it further. When he got confused, that’s when they’ll confront it. But for now, they had each other in a way they wanted. Why would they complain?

 

Jongdae sipped his drink when Baekhyun coughed. He held his throat, eyes shut tight. Jongdae stood up and got water. Baekhyun shook his head. It’s not something water could solve. The cake already passed his throat. It’s his sickness that did this. Kyungsoo stood up, rushing to Baekhyun’s side. He began massaging his throat. That’s all he could do. Jongdae watched with worry. Baekhyun held his hand tight, holding on for dear life.

 

“H-Home,” Baekhyun croaked. “Ch-Chan,”

 

“Jongdae, help me get him in my car.” Kyungsoo gathered Baekhyun’s things while Jongdae carried Baekhyun to the car. “Aren’t you coming?” Jongdae shook his head, slightly frightened. He didn’t want to see Baekhyun hurting. He definitely knows Baekhyun wouldn’t want to see him like that.

 

“Just…just update me.” Jongdae closed the door, letting Kyungsoo drive off already.

 

Jongdae sat outside the coffee shop, worried and dazed. Chanyeol found him there after Kyungsoo sent word to check on him. Sehun went with Chanyeol just in case things got volatile. The two tall men sat beside him, rubbing his back. Sehun ordered take-out food. It’s delivered to them on the sidewalk. Jongdae laughed at them. Chanyeol smiled, opening a rice box. It’s just like old times. When Baekhyun and Jongdae had a fall out during their relationship, they also ate at the sidewalk to comfort him.

 

“We’ve been doing things we used to before. It’s so sick, Chanyeol. I feel sick we’re going back. It’ll be like just like we never met.” Jongdae wiped his eyes with his hand.

 

“That’s his plan.” Chanyeol nodded.

 

“I’m just stupid enough to go along with it. He thinks I don’t notice? These memories are what I hold dear too.” Jongdae’s anger rose.

 

“It’s the least we could do for him. These are his final wishes.” Sehun cuddled beside Jongdae.

 

“What about our final wishes? Will he be granting any of that? What if…what if I want to marry him first before he goes? What if…what if Chanyeol wants to take him on that trip by the springs? What if you want him to repay you for those shoes he brought using your money, huh?” Jongdae was outright ranting as he cried. Chanyeol understood the sentiment. It was so unfair. Jongdae stood up, hugging his rice box. “How is…how’s Baekhyun now?”

 

“He’s asleep. He’ll make it to his deadline.” Chanyeol smiled bitterly. Jongdae nodded and thanked Sehun for dinner. “Where are you going now? You keep disappearing. Jongdae, we can’t cover for you forever.”

 

“Will you keep covering or I’ll tell him I know already? It’s not me you’re buying time for. It’s him. Chanyeol, why did you even call me home? I was fine in New York. I’ll live marrying Minseok. I can endure that! Not this! Not seeing Baekhyun like this!” Jongdae felt himself losing his mind.

 

“Would you really?” Sehun spoke up. “Would you really be able to live without seeing Baekhyun one last time? Marrying Minseok for the sake of escaping the pain? I doubt you would, Jongdae.” He stood up. “No one forced you to come back. You did that yourself. All we did, Chanyeol did, was let you know what’s up out of respect because we know what you two mean to each other. He never stopped loving you, Jongdae. I know you never stopped too. Don’t blame Chanyeol for…”

 

“Enough!” Chanyeol screamed. He was shaking on the concrete, hands gripping his hair. “Enough Sehun! Let Jongdae be! He’s just trying to cope! We all are! Please, enough!” Jongdae placed a huge spoonful of stir-fried rice in his mouth, huffing an angered breath. Sehun sat down and ate his meal. “Jongdae, I know you’re scared. I am too. I just…I called you because I couldn’t do this alone. I can’t,” the tall man was so fragile. The eldest groaned, passing his rice box to Sehun. He hugged Chanyeol, swaying him while he cried. “I’m losing my brother, Jongdae.”

 

“You’ve been crying since the news, Chanyeol. Drink this.” Sehun passed his large coke. Jongdae made him sip. “Jongdae hasn’t cried, sobbed actually. He just has bursts of it.”

 

“That’s the scariest. Jongdae, just cry, okay?” Chanyeol reminded. Jongdae began laughing. Everyone was losing their minds. Sehun wiped his eye. The baby’s crying too.

 

“Oh my god, I thought you two came to comfort me. What is this? Why am I comforting you two?” Jongdae laughed. Sehun stopped first, cleaning around him. Chanyeol hugged Jongdae from behind, comforting his friend. He kissed the top of Jongdae’s head.

 

“Oh, I wasn’t invited?” Baekhyun. He looked at Chanyeol oddly, seeing his arms around his ex-boyfriend. His younger brother was about to move away but Jongdae held him.

 

“How are you? Did you choke that bad?” Jongdae worried.

 

“What? Ah, yes. I’m good. I was worried you worried so I looked for you. But seems like you’re okay,” Baekhyun felt jealous. Super jealous that Sehun and Chanyeol beat him to it. That’s when Jongdae broke free from Chanyeol. He hugged Baekhyun, feeling the jealousy radiating.

 

“You don’t have to worry much about me. Just take care of yourself, okay? Have you had dinner?” Jongdae kissed his forehead. Baekhyun nodded. Sehun stayed beside Chanyeol after seeing the glare from his older brother.

 

“Are you jealous?” Jongdae whispered upon realising.

 

“Why was he hugging you like that?” Baekhyun mumbled.

 

“I missed him. Even Sehun. We haven’t hung out for a long time. It’s just like old times, see?” Jongdae pointed to the take-out cartons around. “You don’t have any reason to feel like that, babe. Oh my,” He hugged Baekhyun, kissing his cheeks repeatedly. “That’s your brother, Baek. We aren’t doing anything.”

 

“Why did you kiss his head?” Baekhyun was ready to fight.

 

“I…I was just comforting him. He’s been so worried about you.” Chanyeol tried not to sound offended. Sehun rubbed his back.

 

“Can you not do that again? You know we’re not together but that doesn’t give you a reason to pounce on him.”

 

“Baekhyun, enough. It didn’t mean anything.” Jongdae tried to talk sense in him. This was an effect of his medicine. Chanyeol knew it too but he couldn’t give that away.

 

“To you maybe. I know Chanyeol. He wants what I have.” Baekhyun was being so irrational already.

 

“I said enough! You’re hurting Chanyeol. Baekhyun, what’s gotten in to you? Why are you so hostile suddenly?” Jongdae grew frustrated. That seemed to bump some sense back to Baekhyun. “Sehun, can you take Chanyeol home?”

 

“That’s fine. I can go by myself.” Chanyeol was upset already. He got his drink and began walking. Sehun followed him anyway. Now it’s just Baekhyun and Jongdae left. And Jongdae didn’t have the energy to confront him. Still, Baekhyun followed. Jongdae let him until it got annoying.

 

“What do you want?” Jongdae sighed.

 

“Attention.” Baekhyun pouted.

 

“Give it to your brother. He needs your apology.”

 

“You’re siding with him?” Baekhyun was appalled.

 

“Because that head kiss was nothing, Baekhyun. How could you doubt your brother, me? Have we ever betrayed you? Baekhyun, of all people, we’re the last people who would ever cross you. Stop turning everyone into your enemy. Get a grip. Didn’t you reject me? What’s so wrong if I suddenly have interest in your brother? That’s what you did to me and my brother, right?” The blows came one after the other. It wasn’t right for Jongdae to rehash old wounds but Baekhyun needed a taste of his own medicine.

 

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun mumbled. “I forgot I did that. But thanks for telling me you have no interest in Chanyeol. I’ll go, okay? Chanyeol might be crying. You can go on your own?” He worried.

 

“Can you?” Jongdae narrowed his eyes. Baekhyun nodded. He began walking. Now Jongdae felt horrible. He followed Baekhyun this time. Baekhyun wasn’t surprised to see him in step with him. “Look, I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have said some things earlier.”

 

“It’s okay. I started it.” Baekhyun slid his arm around Jongdae’s. Jongdae fixed his bangs, walking him home. When they reached the front door, Sehun just exited. “Sehun, I’m sorry.”

 

“Yeah yeah. Tell that to Chanyeol. He’s going to finish your ice cream. I have to go. Jongin’s calling.” Sehun raised his phone. Baekhyun pulled Jongdae inside. When they say Chanyeol, he’s watching a movie on the sofa. Jongdae sat beside him. Baekhyun showered his brother with kisses, apologising repeatedly. Chanyeol smiled a bit. He cuddled his brother, accepting his apology. Jongdae got up to go home.

 

“Wait, do you want help me volunteer at the pet shelter next week?” Baekhyun invited.

 

“Oh, sure. I’m not doing anything anyway.” Jongdae shrugged.

 

“Meet our friends. Go out.” Baekhyun suggested. Jongdae smirked and took them into consideration. He leaned in and kissed Baekhyun square on the lips. Chanyeol began screaming.

 

“Ya! Just take him back already! What’s wrong with you?” Chanyeol shoved Baekhyun, goosebumps running up his spine.

 

“Would you still take me back?” Baekhyun looked up to Jongdae who nodded. He beamed, hugging him tightly.

 

“Always, my Baekhyun. Always,” Jongdae kissed the top of his hair. Chanyeol gagged. Jongdae kicked him. “You should be glad he’s not going to nag you anymore.”

 

“Thank you Jongdae, you’re a lifesaver. No sex in the house, please.” Chanyeol warned them. Baekhyun giggled. His brother thought he’d never hear it again. He thanked Jongdae through his eyes. In that moment, they thought things would be alright somehow.

—

Baekhyun’s been postponing the trip to the shelter for two weeks already. He kept telling Jongdae he wasn’t feeling well or something came up. Jongdae knew better. Chanyeol updated him with everything; every appointment, every treatment, every rush to the emergency room. Kyungsoo and Jongin kept Jongdae company. He’s fine from their standards. He’s eating but not so much. He woke up and slept on time. Jongin found it odd.

 

“Hyung, have you cried?” Jongin worried.

 

“He hasn’t. It’s amazing. It’s also scary.” Kyungsoo filled. Jongdae smirked.

 

“I’ll cry when he tell me the truth.”

 

“He hasn’t?” Jongin was shocked. “Why? Doesn’t he have like a month left?” Kyungsoo hit him hard.

 

“I’ll cry when it’s over. Let’s not give him a hard time, okay? I’m due to the shelter in an hour. Get out already. I’m fine.” Jongdae sounded like he’s the one convincing himself.

 

When Jongdae saw Baekhyun again, he tried so hard not to frown. Baekhyun lost so much weight. His cheeks were almost hallowed. When Jongdae hugged him, he felt his ribs. Where’s soft Baekhyun he loved? Baekhyun’s dark circles got deeper too. Still, he smiled. He smiled as much as he could because Jongdae’s with him.

 

“You said a pet shelter. Why are we at a retirement home?” Jongdae felt a bit awkward.

 

“Oh, my shifts switched. We’ll go there after lunch.” Baekhyun kissed his cheek. “Hi! Granma, I said I’ll be back, right?”

 

Jongdae watched Baekhyun make the elders smile. He’s still the same playful and hyper entertainer. The elderly women loved him for his dancing and hugs. The elderly men loved his jokes. One of the elderly women held Jongdae’s elbow. He dragged him to the dance floor, swaying Jongdae. “Baekku always had the most handsome friends!”

 

“Okay! Mrs. Lee, okay, that’s enough prune juice for you. Please don’t break him. That’s my boyfriend.” Baekhyun got the glass out of her hand.

 

“Oh! I knew it! Joohee! I told you, this is his boyfriend! The way he looked at our Baekku was too much!” Mrs. Lee gushed. All the elders were all over them. Baekhyun hugged Jongdae from behind, showing him off. Jongdae just smiled to them while Baekhyun did the talking.

 

“It’s such a shame, Jongdae. Aren’t you upset he’s going to leave you soon?” Joohee frowned. Baekhyun began coughing loudly, taking Joohee somewhere while Mrs. Lee danced with him again. She got the hint.

 

“You know, right?” She whispered. “Don’t lie to me, boy. You’re too relaxed. Does he know you know?” Jongdae shook his head. “You seem to be a good man, Jongdae. Please keep our Baekku’s smile. This is his last day here. Shame how the young ones leave us first. It should be one of us. No one visits us anymore but Baekku, he has you, his brother, his friends. I can’t imagine the pain you’re all going through.” She touched Jongdae’s face. “Stay strong, Jongdae. Be strong for him. We’ll pray for you, my dear. Marry him while you still can.”

 

“I intend to, Mrs. Lee. I didn’t end my engagement to another man just to let him slip again. Can we have it here?” Jongdae smiled. Mrs. Lee was so elated. A scream alerted Jongdae. Baekhyun was on the floor, clutching his arm.

 

“Baekku, I told you I’ll carry it!” The elderly woman felt guilty. Jongdae helped Baekhyun up, making sure he’s fine. Baekhyun suddenly couldn’t speak.

 

“We’re sorry, ma’am. I’ll carry them for you.” Jongdae got the bags as Baekhyun mentally cursed himself. His muscles were failing him. It’s only a matter of time before he…

 

“Baekku, dear, you have to tell him.” Mrs. Lee hugged him. “Please be kind to Jongdae. Before it’s too late,”

 

The two skipped the animal shelter but it’s fine. Jongdae was extra attentive to Baekhyun, hand firm on his waist. Baekhyun kept saying he’s fine but Jongdae wanted to care for him. They had lunch together but Baekhyun only ate soup. Jongdae knew he’s on strict liquid diet now because his organs slowly failed already. He didn’t push it anymore. He just made Baekhyun think he understood that he wasn’t hungry.

 

“Do you want to go to a party on Friday?” Jongdae just mumbled on a whim.

 

“Who will throw it?” Baekhyun’s voice was so hoarse.

 

“Let’s crash one.” Jongdae winked. Baekhyun liked it. Live dangerously while there’s still time. He was all for it.

—

The pair found a college party outside the neighbourhood. Baekhyun wore the skinniest jeans he could find with simple shirt and jacket. Jongdae opted for a muscle shirt and his trustee cap with his jeans. The two strolled in the party so casually, they were mistaken as students. Baekhyun couldn’t drink so he let Jongdae down whatever he wanted. It took no time for the two to get on the dance floor. Jongdae guided Baekhyun’s hands on his shoulders while his wrapped around the other’s waist. Baekhyun forgot how fun dancing with Jongdae felt. Though he was a better dancer than the younger, Jongdae really improved. Baekhyun gave in to the music, moving his hips to his best friend. Jongdae knew the song so he sang with it. Baekhyun felt so happy being in that moment. He hugged Jongdae while they swayed, whispering his thanks for giving him a wonderful night. Jongdae stopped moving.

 

_You really know how to show someone a good time. I’m glad we went together. Thank you for everything, Jongdae._

 

Jongdae felt like he was transported years ago to their school dance. They promised each other to go together so they did. Jongdae asked him to be his boyfriend that night. He asked if Baekhyun would tolerate his annoying quips for the rest of his life and Baekhyun said yes. Always. The living room space became darker. Blue lights enveloped the room with a faint disco ball glare surrounded them. He held on to Baekhyun a little tighter. This felt so cruel. Baekhyun was being so cruel. Jongdae thought of the date of that night as chills ran down his body. It’s the same date today.

 

Baekhyun looked at Jongdae in the eye. The world began to spin in Jongdae’s vision. Was it the alcohol? The whiplash? The words? “Why are you telling me that?” Jongdae whispered, truly dumbfounded. He’ll never forget those words. That night. This night even more so. This date. Baekhyun leaned in and kissed him so passionately, it felt headier than the alcohol. People around them hollered as the kiss deepened. Jongdae realised he still had his eyes open.

 

“Come on, man! Kiss him back!” A shirtless guy with a cup cheered for them. Jongdae pulled Baekhyun until their bodies joined as one. He parted his lips slightly and closed his eyes. He knew this way of kissing. It was from that night and many other nights. Baekhyun kissed his best when he wanted Jongdae to do something. At this point, Jongdae really didn’t know what to do. He’s at the mercy of the man he loved. A man who was leaving him. When Baekhyun pulled back, he was out of breath. Jongdae’s eyes glassed.

 

“I’ll love you the best way that I can, Baekhyun.” Jongdae held his face gently, so careful that the other seemed so fragile. “Always.” Baekhyun smiled so wide. It’s the same response years ago. Jongdae kissed him once more. “Even in the afterlife,”

 

The two held each other so close throughout the night. The crashed a bedroom to cuddle. Be in comfortable silence with each other.Baekhyun felt sleepy so Jongdae carried him on his back on the way home. He woke up at the steps of his house; head on Jongdae’s shoulder, backs against the wall. It’s still dark. He checked his phone. 2:39AM. Jongdae’s asleep beside him too. Baekhyun moved oh so slowly and got one of the hanging blankets from the backyard. Chanyeol would wash them again so he draped it over Jongdae and cuddled beside him again. He draped the younger’s arm around his shoulder and wrapped his arms around his waist. He whispered soft sweet dreams to Jongdae and closed his eyes. Closed them so tight, Jongdae was alarmed.

 

A strangled scream erupted. Jongdae was startled awake with Baekhyun curling in pain beside him. Jongdae knocked on the front door quickly, screaming for Chanyeol to wake. Baekhyun cried on the floor, hands covering his ears. Jongdae kept banging on the door for help until Baekhyun shook. Jongdae got him on his back again, blanket draped over them. When Chanyeol opened the door, Jongdae’s already running. Chanyeol looked around until he saw the blood on the wooden floor. He got his keys and coat and followed Jongdae.

 

He caught up in time so Jongdae carried him to the car and hopped in too. Baekhyun already passed out. Jongdae kept his fingers on the other’s neck for pulse check. Chanyeol became an expert on driving since Baekhyun was diagnosed. Jongdae didn’t care his hands were bloody. He just needed Baekhyun alive a little longer. There’s still so much he hasn’t told him. Baekhyun’s eyes opened slightly. He smiled loosely when he saw Jongdae still there. What a nice dream, he thought. _Always, Jongdae. Even in the afterlife._

\--

Jongdae entered his house just past 7AM. He hasn’t slept. He smelled horrible. Above all, he had to leave before Baekhyun woke up. Things were getting worse. The reality began to hit him. He’s losing Baekhyun as minutes went by. Each moment mattered. Baekhyun wasn’t getting any stronger or better. He still smiled the same but it’s not the same Baekhyun. Despite that, Jongdae still loved him. Everything about him.

 

“Hello? Jongdae?” Junmyeon answered so worried after hearing his sobs. “What’s wrong? Did anything happen?”

 

“Hyung, come over. Please c-come over. I c-c-shit, I can’t go through this!” Jongdae sounded so weak. It was so foreign. Junmyeon turned his car around so abruptly, Sehun and Jongin screamed at the move. He hit park suddenly upon reaching Jongdae’s house. Sehun went in first, seeing the shattered items and torn things. Jongin was so shocked. He ran upstairs, calling for his friend’s name. Junmyeon followed. When they found him, Jongdae sat in his bathtub, asleep. He looked so tired. Junmyeon bathed Jongdae quickly while the two prepared the bed for him. Amazingly, Jongdae didn’t wake. Sehun told them to go to work, that he’ll stay behind and watch over Jongdae.

 

Sehun was probably the second happiest when Jongdae came home. No one noticed how close they were despite several arguments. No one noticed the underlying feelings of the youngest towards Jongdae too. Sehun knew when to step back. He knew Jongdae’s heart was Baekhyun’s and he wasn’t selfish enough to steal anyone so he admired from afar. He couldn’t deny how his heart fluttered every single time Jongdae joked with him. He kept that to himself. Those moments were considered a win already.

 

When Baekhyun was diagnosed with the sickness, Sehun was the first to spend the night with him and comfort him. They were pretty close too. He let Baekhyun bite him more often even if he hated it. Just a few more bites, let the pain sink in. Just a little more and it’s all gone. A tear escaped his eye. He felt so bad; for him, for Baekhyun, for Jongdae. How could fate be so cruel to them? While Jongdae slept, his heart beat to keep him alive. His heart ached for losing his meaning in life. Sehun didn’t want Jongdae to feel that. If it’s possible, he’d rather take the pain of losing a better half. Sehun muffled his sobs as he watched his hyung sleep. He mustered some courage and cuddled beside the troubled man. Jongdae woke slightly, making room for another presence in his bed. “Hmm? Sehunnie, don’t you have to go?” Jongdae slurred. Sehun shook his head. “There’s food downstairs. Help yourself, okay?”

 

“Jongdae,” Sehun whispered, eyes filled with innocence. “You can cry. I won’t stop you. It’s okay,” Everything felt like it’s on the young one’s command. The bravest man of the bunch didn’t crumble. He felt the jabs of pain from reality but he wasn’t going to break. Sehun hated seeing him like that. No one’s watching. It’s just him. It’s okay to be cry. Why won’t Jongdae? He simply curled in Sehun’s arms and cuddled him.

 

“I have to tell him I know already.” Jongdae mumbled. “This would be good, right? He can hate me for it and it’s easier to let go. Yeah, maybe Baekhyun should just hate me. I’ll go back to New York, beg Minseok to take me back.” That was a horrible plan. Sehun made a face. “You’re right. I have too much pride to get on my knees and beg him after all the shit he said.” Jongdae sighed.

 

“You don’t have to go anywhere, Jongdae. This is home. With or without Baekhyun, it will always be.” Sehun reminded him. Jongdae’s eyes glassed.

 

“But he’s my home, Sehun.”

 

Jongdae sat up and composed himself. A new wave of anxiety and loneliness crept. Sehun followed, hugging Jongdae from the side. He rest his chin on the elder’s shoulder. “You can always move in with us. We’re all still here. We won’t let you fall, Jongdae. Chanyeol and I won’t.” Jongdae nodded, convincing himself to get it together. He held Sehun’s hand and kissed it. He smirked upon seeing the red creep on Sehun’s cheeks. Jongdae always knew. The feelings, the actions, this affection; he always knew Sehun’s feelings even without saying.

 

“Thank you, Sehunnie, for always being there for me.” Jongdae intertwined their fingers together as he looked at them. “I’m sorry for hurting you all these years, but I knew. You didn’t have to say anything. I acknowledge it.” Sehun smiled shyly. Jongdae kissed his forehead and hugged him. They ate a meal together then went to the hospital. Sehun stopped at the entrance. Jongdae looked back to him, slightly confused. “Aren’t you coming?” Sehun shook his head.

 

“This is between you and him.” Sehun pocketed his hands. “Go on. I’m just a call away.” Jongdae nodded, feeling a different kind of pain and relief. Their Sehun really grew up well. Jongdae dragged his feet inside while still looking back to Sehun. The young one simply watched him until he was safely inside. Sehun turned on his heel and lowered his head. He took his phone out and texted Jongin.

 

_Sehun: I know it’s been years but why does it hurt so much more this time?_

_Jongin: You see him hurting and you can’t do anything about it._

 

Sehun wiped his eyes and hopped on the bus. He didn’t care where it led. He just needed to go.

—

Jongdae didn’t make it inside Baekhyun’s hospital room. He was about to knock but some force stopped him from doing so. He dropped his hand and turned around. Chanyeol walked back to the room with coffee in hand. He and Jongdae looked at each other for a moment. Poor Chanyeol. He looked so tired. He lost some weight too because of looking after his half-brother. Jongdae bowed to him in acknowledgement. Chanyeol smiled weakly and offered his coffee. Jongdae declined and left without another word. Chanyeol watched his friend go. When he entered the hospital room, Baekhyun was awake.

 

“Karaoke!” The patient overused his throat. His voice was almost gone and he still wanted to scream. Chanyeol sighed as he sat down. The body may be wearing down but Baekhyun’s spirit was well alive.

 

“What about Karaoke?” Chanyeol sipped his coffee.

 

“Jongdae and I went,” Cough. “To a karaoke place after class. It’s a,” Cough.

 

“BaekJong thing, yeah I get it. But,” Chanyeol pointed to his brother’s neck. Baekhyun scoffed silently.

 

“Do you think he noticed me change?” Baekhyun wholeheartedly wondered. If he wasn’t sick, Chanyeol would have thrown his drink to him. “He must think I’m a smoker because of my weight change and voice.” Baekhyun still managed to laugh. Chanyeol tried to but he’s too tired to hope his brother would get better. He reached for Baekhyun’s hand and frowned. His hands were so beautiful. Chanyeol managed to laugh through the misery. It’s funny how things changed so fast. He looked at his brother’s hallowed cheeks and droopy eyelids. He’d do anything to get the old Baekhyun back. “Ya, don’t cry.” The elder reached over to wipe his younger brother’s tear. “I told you to do that when I’m not around.”

 

“S-Sorry. Baekhyun, I’m sorry,” Chanyeol held Baekhyun’s hand with both hands. He pressed his forehead on Baekhyun’s thigh and sobbed.

 

“Hey, what’s wrong? You don’t have to be sorry about anything.” Baekhyun rubbed his back.

 

“I can’t see him suffer anymore. We all can’t take it. He—he only wanted to love you again. This is all my fault. I shouldn’t have d-d-d-dragged him back here. Baekhyun, I’m sorry. It wasn’t my secret to tell but I can’t let you go without seeing him and him seeing you. It’ll break you both.” Chanyeol didn’t seem to make sense.

 

“What are you talking about?” Baekhyun’s hoarse voice really sounded painful. Chanyeol’s red-rimmed round eyes courageously stared into Baekhyun’s eyes.

 

“Jongdae. I told him. That’s why he’s here, that’s why he came home. Baekhyun, I’m sorry!” Chanyeol sobbed harder. “Tell him already. He’s hurting so much from keeping it in.” He kissed his brother’s hand in apology but Baekhyun took his hand and pushed Chanyeol away. The sobbing boy fell to the floor just as the door opened.

 

“Baekhyun!” Junmyeon was stunned. Now the patient cried too. Jongin accessed the room as he helped Chanyeol up. He’s still an apologising mess.

 

“Get out! Leave me alone!” Baekhyun’s voice cracked. Junmyeon held him while Jongin escorted Chanyeol outside. Baekhyun leaned on Junmyeon, crying his eyes out. Outside, Chanyeol’s legs gave out. He fell to the floor, holding his chest. Jongin lookedaround for a nurse. Chanyeol hurriedly took his inhaler out. It fell out of his grasp. Jongin scrambled to it and gave him two puffs. Chanyeol tried to calm his breathing but his sobs made him hiccup.

 

Jongdae was at the waiting area when he heard the noise. He swore he heard Jongin’s voice so he peeked at the hallway. Chanyeol sat on the floor, elbows on his knees while he head leaned on his palms. His shoulders still shook while he sobbed. Jongin frowned. “What happened?” Chanyeol looked up and continued crying. Jongdae let him lean on his legs while he ruffled Chanyeol’s hair. Another string of apologies came.

 

“No,” Jongdae knelt in front of Chanyeol and patted his thigh. “I’m sorry, Chanyeol. You didn’t have to come between us. Don’t cry. I’ll talk to him.” Jongdae stood up and entered the room. Jongin was about to stop him but the door closed. Junmyeon was going to scold him for that.

 

Inside the room, Baekhyun stared into nothing while he sat in bed. Junmyeon came out of the bathroom. He and Jongdae shared a look for a moment. Junmyeon got the word and left. Jongdae suddenly changed. He took bigger hurried steps toward Baekhyun and punched his arm. Baekhyun groaned then hit Jongdae back. “Why didn’t you say anything?” He screamed. Jongdae took all the punches and slaps. They were weak but still painful. Jongdae stood there silently until Baekhyun was too weak to fight. He wrapped an arm around Baekhyun and hugged him. Baekhyun still cried even when no one hit each other. Jongdae kissed the top of his head and rubbed his arm.

 

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Baekhyun looked up with puppy eyes and a pout Jongdae always felt weak for. He smiled loosely as he wiped the patient’s cheeks with his thumb.

 

“Why would I?” It came out as a gentle whisper. “I was too busy making the moments count for us.” He sealed it with a kiss. When Baekhyun opened his eyes, Jongdae was still there. It was real. Everything was real.

 

“I thought I was asleep the whole time.” He blinked slowly. “I thought you were the sweet dream in this nightmare.” Jongdae listened. “I-I dreamt of us walking the halls of our school, crashing a party, and all. D-did they, you’re here.” Baekhyun felt so dazed.

 

“I dreamt of you too.” Jongdae sat beside him.

 

“Was it a good dream?” Baekhyun tried to smile. Jongdae laced his fingers with Baekhyun’s and shook his head.

 

“You were saying goodbye, Baekhyun.” Jongdae looked at his face. “I can’t let you do that. Not when I’m still holding your hand.”

 

“Jongdae, don’t do this.” Baekhyun closed his eyes like he just got slapped. “I’m…I’m not getting any better.” The cracking voice said it all.

 

“You don’t have to remind me. I know. Every single day I know and it frustrates me so much! We just sit back and let it kill you? Do you think we enjoy watching you fade in front of us?” Jongdae gripped the hand tighter.

 

“But I’m not fading, Jongdae. I’ll always be with you.”

 

“I know that. But what about Chanyeol?” Baekhyun knew he was hit for a reason. Jongdae never got physical with him unless he was really wrong. “He thought about you. Me. All these moments for your silly detachment process.” Baekhyun felt so small. “As if you can get rid of me that easily,” Jongdae scoffed. Baekhyun always had his head down when he’s being scolded. Jongdae sighed and put his arm around the other for comfort. “What’s next for us, Baek?” The patient looked confused. “I’m not going to mope around while we still have to make moments.”

 

“K-Karaoke,” Baekhyun blinked, so confused with the change of emotions. Jongdae chuckled weakly. “What?” Jongdae shook his head. Baekhyun shook their hands.

 

“Can we go now?” Jongdae felt shy. “We’re never going to hear you soon.”

 

So Jongdae snuck him out of the hospital at midnight to spend four hours in a karaoke room. Baekhyun couldn’t believe the lights. Jongdae coded their favourite duet and passed Baekhyun a tambourine. Baekhyun jumped on the sofa while Jongdae danced funnily to it. The elder jumped on Jongdae’s back and sang to the music. Jongdae kept dancing, singing the same music. After almost 20 songs, Baekhyun sat down and coughed. Jongdae looked behind him but Baekhyun encouraged him to keep going. They enjoyed another hour. Baekhyun seemed to have some energy left so he danced to everything Jongdae sang. He got the mic and sang the high notes, not caring about his throat protesting. Jongdae spun Baekhyun and kissed him out of whim.

 

When they broke apart, Jongdae was flustered. Baekhyun smiled. He may have flicked his tongue in the other’s mouth. The third hour was spent on making out to 80s hits. The final hour had them jumping up and down again. Jongdae did the best air guitar moves he knew while Baekhyun didn’t care if he hit the notes right. He just wanted to sing even if it’s the last time. He belted the final notes while Jongdae cheered him on. Baekhyun suddenly held his throat and fell on the cushion. Jongdae jumped over the table and held him. The coughing got louder. Jongdae pressed a button for help.

 

“Jongdae,” Baekhyun looked at his hand stained red. Jongdae’s eyes must’ve been playing games with him. That wasn’t blood, right? Baekhyun coughed again, lips and chin stained red. The worker from the karaoke room saw the two and rushed to get a wheelchair.

 

“Baekhyun, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for pushing this. Hold on, okay? We’ll be back in the hospital soon. Hold on, okay?” Jongdae panicked. Baekhyun smiled.

 

“Thank you,” He mouthed gratefully as his eyelids slowly closed. Jongdae’s heart just broke. Baekhyun’s voice was gone forever. “I-I love you, DaeDae.”

 

Baekhyun had no regrets. His real final words were worth it. And he wanted Jongdae to know that ever since. Jongdae cradled his head, whispering the same thing. Baekhyun knew he was ready. He could let go. Because his life was worth it. Finding Jongdae and loving him made everything worth it.

—

Chanyeol couldn’t understand at first. But days went by and he barely saw his brother home. There was a month and a week to go. When he asked around where he was, people would say they saw him with Jongdae. He didn’t dare question it anymore but something felt odd. Especially when he heard from their friends that the two have been planning trips and activities together despite Baekhyun’s condition. It slightly felt like deja vu on Chanyeol’s part because the activities they said were ones he remembered Baekhyun told him about when he was still with Jongdae. So Chanyeol rummaged through Baekhyun’s stuff. The leather notebook had all the answers. Baekhyun’s backtracking the days until he answered Jongdae. It’s a reverse trip down memory lane. From the closest moments to the time they didn’t know each other. It’s Baekhyun’s detachment process.

 

He finally saw the pattern after reading Baekhyun’s notes. How upsetting that they’re close to the beginning again. Just three more items on the list and it’s like they never met. The empty pages were being filled too. Chanyeol couldn’t help but read the notes entirely. Baekhyun’s happier this time, much more than the first time. He noted that Jongdae’s more affectionate this time, more attentive. He wrote that they kissed again…at the same activity they first shared their first kiss. Baekhyun kept going on and on, writing pages of one day like he wanted it immortalised. Chanyeol felt at ease with this decision but troubled at the same time. What would happen if they reached the final day? He did the math and it was exactly three days before Baekhyun’s deadline. It felt more cruel since their feelings for each other were getting deeper.

 

Just then, Chanyeol got a call from a panicked Jongdae saying they’re on their way to a hospital. Sehun helped Chanyeol in the car and drove him there. Chanyeol was in no condition to drive or even think at this point.

 

Apparently, Baekhyun and Jongdae were fishing at the nearby pond. It’s actually their second bonding moment since meeting. Jongdae stayed to watch Baekhyun’s line while he got more bait. He wondered what took Baekhyun so long so he left their seats. Just halfway through the path, he saw Baekhyun hunched on the floor holding his neck. He’s coughing blood, heaving for air. The bucket spilled beside him but that’s the least of their concerns.

 

Baekhyun felt hands on his shoulders, laying him down on someone’s lap. He tried to open his eyes, seeing Jongdae’s worried and scared face. It’s fascinating, he thought, seeing Jongdae scared. He’s never scared. Baekhyun continued to cough, sputtering blood on his clothes and Jongdae’s. The other had a phone stuck to his ear, dictating their location. Baekhyun willed all his strength to reach for Jongdae’s hand, shaking his head weakly. It’s really no use to save him. Time’s almost up. The light was dimming.

 

Jongdae held his best friend close to him, looking at all directions for the ambulance. His coat, gloves, and bonnet’s on Baekhyun, keeping him warm. Baekhyun, however, had a weak smile on his bloodstained lips. It would really be beautiful to die if you saw an angel before closing your eyes. Jongdae kissed his forehead, whispering for him to hang on. He nodded weakly as he tried to grip his hand tighter. In a moment of curiosity, he wondered why Jongdae’s so calm. A little too much. The ambulance came, setting the stretcher ready. Jongdae stood up strongly with Baekhyun in his arms, laying him gently on it.

 

“D-Don’t leave me,” Baekhyun mouthed.

“I won’t. Just hang on, okay?” Jongdae smiled a bit, hoping it would give the other strength. But he himself wasn’t sure if he could hang on. His biggest fear was taunting him. He called Chanyeol once they sedated Baekhyun. He’s getting all the help he could get.

 

The doctor spoke to Jongdae about Baekhyun’s condition, absorbing the words. It’s worse than he thought, than what they told him. The deadline was given in case he was lucky to make it that long. They almost lost him then and there if Jongdae was a second late. Would it make a bigger difference if he came earlier? Jongdae’s beating himself up for it already. Rushed steps stopped in front of him. He looked up to Chanyeol and Sehun, both panicked and worried. He was about to speak when Jongdae’s body crashed to Chanyeol’s. A soft apology escaped Chanyeol’s lips.

 

Jongdae couldn’t hold it in anymore. He began hitting Chanyeol’s chest, pushing him away. Sehun helped in restraining him while Chanyeol kept apologising, crying his eyes out. Chanyeol really had nothing to apologise for. This wasn’t in his control. He just wanted the best for them.

 

“You shouldn’t have called me! You should’ve left me alone to marry Minseok! Why did you have to drag me back in, Chanyeol?” Jongdae screamed, wanting to punch Chanyeol. “I was doing fine! We were fine being apart! Why’d you have to get in between us?” He kept screaming, getting a kick in to Chanyeol’s knee. Sehun pulled Jongdae back forcefully, sitting him down. Chanyeol’s on the floor, clutching it while he cried. He really didn’t mean to hurt both. Sehun pulled Jongdae closer by the nape. “Don’t use your fear to lash out on others. It’s your choice whether to come home or not. We only did this for Baekhyun. Get a grip.” He shoved Jongdae hard then helped Chanyeol stand so they could see his brother.

 

The youngest never spoke seriously unless necessary. It was Jongdae’s first time hearing such a murderous tone on him. He thought Sehun was on his side. But he’s right. Jongdae’s scared and used that to pass the feeling to another. Chanyeol only did this for them. So both of them wouldn’t feel some regret once this was all over. Jongdae ran his hands over his face, frustrated, scared and upset all at once.

 

When Chanyeol opened the door, they saw Baekhyun crying on his bed. He hugged his knees, sobbing quietly. They rubbed his back, consoling him. But he heard everything. He pushed Chanyeol away, punching his jaw when he had the chance. Sehun restrained this one now. All Baekhyun could ask was why. Chanyeol ran out of the room, more upset than ever. Jongdae saw him, running after him immediately. Baekhyun must’ve did worse things.

 

In a spur of the moment, Jongdae even saved Chanyeol’s life. They fell on the other side of the road after he pushed Chanyeol out of the way of an incoming van. Jongdae groaned, clutching his elbow. Chanyeol crawled to get to him. The driver of the van helped Jongdae back in the hospital. Chanyeol scolded him but Jongdae also scolded him back. Thankfully, it was just a minor injury.

 

“He knows you know now.” Chanyeol scratched his forehead while they walked back to Baekhyun’s room.

“Of course. We’re in a hospital after all. We’ve talked about it.” Jongdae smarted.

“Will you see him?”

“Does he want to see me?” Good point.

“I think he’d rather see you than see me.” Chanyeol smiled sadly. Jongdae rubbed his back.

“I’m sorry, for what I said and all. I got scared about everything.” Chanyeol understood. He’s forgiving like that.

“How was fishing anyway?” Chanyeol tried changing the subject.

“It was odd he asked me to go fishing. He hated it so much before.” Jongdae’s brows furrowed. Chanyeol laughed.

“I think he’s trying to do what we did before, but backwards you know?” Chanyeol nodded. “I’m right?”

“It’s his master plan to detach himself from you. Reverse everything until you two never met.”

“He really thought it would work. Idiot. How could that be successful when I’m in love with him more now? He’s such a sadist, ah Baekhyun!” Jongdae whined.

 

Chanyeol checked the situation first before letting Jongdae in the room. Baekhyun’s watching TV while sipping water with his straw. “Chanyeol, I’m sorry for—,” the writing stopped when Jongdae tiptoed over Chanyeol’s shoulder. “J-J, what is this?”

 

“You didn’t think I’d leave, huh?” Jongdae smirked, sitting on the side of Baekhyun’s bed. Just one butt cheek sat though.

“S-So you know?” Baekhyun’s hand felt cold while he wrote. Jongdae looked at Chanyeol then reached for Baekhyun’s hand to hold.

“We talked about this. I came home because I knew.” He kissed his hand, pressing it to his cheek. Baekhyun’s eyes watered again. “I called off the engagement because I knew. I knew you needed me…to take care of you,” Jongdae felt the lump on his throat again. “And I needed to be with you, even if it hurts.”

 

Baekhyun wiped a tear off Jongdae’s cheek. Jongdae still tried to smile but the frown fought through. He still had Baekhyun’s hand pressed to the side of his face. It’s a novel seeing Jongdae like this. Nothing bothered him before; not ghosts, monsters, scolding, heights, nothing. Except Baekhyun. Losing Baekhyun. That could be why he respected every wish Baekhyun made, even staying friends after their relationship. But he had no choice now except to face the truth.

 

Jongdae wasn’t going to tell Baekhyun he saw the signs so early. No one had sore throat for two months long. He wasn’t going to tell that Baekhyun lost weight too fast or that his face was so skinny already. He wouldn’t dare say he missed hugging more of Baekhyun or that his arms felt the other’s ribs already. He was definitely not going to push Baekhyun to sing when his voice got more hoarse as the day went by. He just stayed quiet about the things he knew. Because Baekhyun smiling was his goal, hugging Baekhyun everyday, showering him with love, and letting him know someone would really miss him truly.

 

“Don’t go,” Jongdae sounded so broken. “Please Baekhyun, don’t leave me like this.” Chanyeol looked up, blinking his tears away. Sehun lowered his head. Baekhyun smile was so peaceful. He’s accepted this better than anyone who heard. It’s because he knew he lived his life to the fullest. He had no regrets for the most part.

“I’ll always be with you, Jongdae. Just look at the,” Baekhyun coughed after writing. Even that became a nuisance now.

“At the North Star, yes, yes I will. I’ll always do, Baekhyun. I promise to,” Jongdae nodded, eyes shut as tears continued to flow. Baekhyun placed his hand over Jongdae’s chest and closed his eyes.

 

How wonderful it was to live, he thought. To have a strong heartbeat, feel warm, just simply feel. Jongdae’s heart raced and it made him smile. “Dum dum dum, dum dum dum,” he mouthed to tease Jongdae.

“Ah, don’t fool around now! I’m upset. We’re all upset.” Jongdae whined. Baekhyun chuckled silently. Something that simple seemed to lift the mood. And he’d miss that the most.

—

Baekhyun wasn’t allowed to leave the hospital anymore. He had three weeks left so it was safer to depart like this. He had his friends come in and out, saying their goodbyes to him. Jongdae never left his side. He’s getting weaker by the day and Chanyeol’s worried he’d leave sooner. So he went home to grieve earlier. Jongdae would have time to do that once this was all over. Baekhyun’s friends and coworkers knew Jongdae as his husband now.

 

One of the activities in Baekhyun’s detachment process was when they were kids playing marriage. It’s adorable to think they knew they were meant for each other. They’re the lucky ones with unlucky futures. So Jongdae asked Chanyeol to bring that infamous journal over to the hospital so he could see what they missed. There wasn’t much since Baekhyun did amazingly well in doing many in one day. 22 years of friendship were coming to a close.

 

Baekhyun woke up one afternoon, seeing Jongdae on the sofa with a pad paper and the journal on his lap. He’s mapping out the last two, which turned out to be six, activities before the D-Day. Baekhyun joked saying it was Death Day. It’s a horrible joke but Jongdae gave him a chuckle for it. Baekhyun threw a tissue roll to Jongdae, making him look up. He had the cap of the pen between his teeth, wearing his pyjamas, hair messy and damp. He just showered after all. Baekhyun lost his voice completely so they resulted to writing for a while now. Jongdae whined about his horrible handwriting but adapted quickly to understand.

 

“Okay, I’m done!” Jongdae sat on Baekhyun’s bed, cuddling the other in his arm. He showed his map of the last few days. “We’re officially unknown to each other in four days. Personally, I don’t like that ending. Too sad. So can we end two days before?” Jongdae looked down to him. Baekhyun’s brows shot up. Jongdae wants to end with a wedding. “This time I’m sure I’m marrying the right person.” He kissed Baekhyun’s forehead.

 

So it happened. Baekhyun always wondered what it’s like to live like a drama so he got something Andante style; a wedding in a hospice. Chanyeol’s dream came true. He got to see his brother’s wedding! Of course he cried while he wheeled him down the aisle. Jongdae wiped his eyes while Jongin shook him wildly. Their friends were getting married. There’s nothing more special than that.

—

Few nights after that, they laid in bed together. Jongdae willed himself for forget the date and the time. Instead wishing what could have been, they thanked each other for every thing they experienced together. Baekhyun continued with writing what he liked about Jongdae, teasing him in the process. Even with a busted throat, Baekhyun still used it to its limit. He tried to speak. But Jongdae had other plans.

 

“I should say this now, because you’ll no longer be here to hear it.” Jongdae whispered, watching their wedded fingers play with each other. “I think it’s best to practice now, huh?” Baekhyun was confused. Jongdae pulled him closer, brushing his thumb on Baekhyun’s cheek.

 

“I hated this guy so much. I really did.” Jongdae began. Baekhyun chuckled. “He used to steal my food when we were kids. He hit his half-brother and I with a badminton racket too. He made fun of my raincoat but he still wore it. He never returned it by the way. Ah I hated him. Byun Baekhyun, you little shit.” Baekhyun laughed quietly. Jongdae did too. “No really, I hate him because he left me. He made me fall in love with him early, only to leave me in the end. But I have no regrets,” Jongdae’s eyes looked directly to Baekhyun’s. He felt so drawn in to those dark orbs that chills ran down his spine. This was a side of Jongdae no one knew about. This was for Baekhyun’s eyes only; this vulnerability was just for him.

 

“I’m probably the luckiest and unluckiest person in this room.” Jongdae spoke so softly, eyes never wavering from Baekhyun’s. “Baekhyun chose me in the end. I’ll always be grateful for that. None of you got to say you woke up next to such a beautiful person, watched him laugh freely and all. I can. I’ll always cherish those little moments like the big ones. Many of you might be wondering why I’m not crying anymore or why I haven’t cried. I’ll get to that. I still feel him around me. Every night I look up the stars finding the brightest one. I think ‘ah, you’re here? I see you too, Baekhyunnie!’ And it twinkles back to me. He always does. I’m so so so lucky.”

 

Baekhyun found that ironic because Jongdae’s eyes sparkled while he talked. He saw the stars in his eyes brighter than the ones in the skies. He wanted to protest so bad but his throat began to hurt again.

 

“I’m unlucky too, because I couldn’t keep him forever. It’s selfish of me to ask for that.” Baekhyun shook his head slowly. Jongdae kissed the tip of his nose. “I’m just bragging now, right? I had Baekhyun in a way no one had. At least I married the right person. Don’t get me wrong, this hurts. A lot. I haven’t slept and I don’t think I can after this. Because Baekhyun’s not going to be there to wake me anymore. He’ll no longer send me selcas of him with random things like his damn cactus that probably died after four days, or Chanyeol’s underwear, or that picture frame I gave him. He never took the sample photo out but still displayed the damn thing. Jesus Christ, Baekhyun,” Jongdae chuckled, shoulders shaking. Baekhyun laughed too. “Fuck I’m going to miss you so much.”

 

The tears welled from his eyes again. Baekhyun mouthed for him to stop but not even Jongdae could will it to. He held his best friend closer, crying to his neck. Baekhyun hushed him, kissing his ear and hair. It didn’t need more words. Jongdae truly loved Baekhyun to the core. He voiced his fear repeatedly, arms trembling to hold Baekhyun. Everything he’s kept in’s pouring out. He whispered to the heavens to just take him instead of Baekhyun, to feel that pain for he didn’t have to. Baekhyun kissed him to shut up. It’s just too much. Baekhyun felt like he ran out of tears already but what’s this threatening to escape his eye?

 

“C-Can you sing me a song? I love hearing you sing.” Baekhyun wrote. And a miracle happened. Baekhyun’s voice. “Y-You know Jongdae, I think I lived my life beautifully th-thanks to you. Don’t be sad about this. Think that I just got a musical role in New York.” He had the guts to joke. Jongdae composed himself, obliging his husband’s request. He gifted him with his voice. Of course he’ll give his back. “Y-You’ll always be my thunder angel, Jongdae.”

 

“Shh, let me sing. It’s the least I could do for my bright light.” He tucked Baekhyun’s head under his chin, holding him tightly to his body.

 

Jongdae began singing one of the songs he dedicated to him. Baekhyun smiled weakly, happy to be like this with him. Jongdae sang his heart out to Flicker, willing himself to not let his voice crack. It typically not his style but there’s not other song he could think of. Slowly, Baekhyun’s grip loosened as he hummed it. He blinked his eyes once, twice, until he closed them. Jongdae closed his own eyes, trying to finish the song but he knew what just happened. The weight of Baekhyun’s body lean on him. It’s nothing more than just a shell now. Jongdae reached above him, choking on his sobs while he sang softly. _Please don’t leave._

 

Junmyeon and Kyungsoo were at the waiting area while Sehun and Jongin were with Chanyeol at home. The two at the hospital saw nurses and doctors running to Baekhyun’s room. Kyungsoo lowered his head while Junmyeon cried to his hands. The doctors barged in the room, only to step back. Jongdae’s standing in front of them, eyes swollen with his lower lip trembling. He stepped to the side calmly, leaning on the wall as the doctors worked. He sent a quick text to Sehun to tell Chanyeol.

 

He joined his friends outside, rubbing their shoulders. Kyungsoo looked up, stunned to see Jongdae calm. He stood up and gave him a hug. Jongdae chuckled but gave in.

 

In the house, Sehun’s phone lit up. Chanyeol stopped eating and lowered his head. Jongin eyed the phone then Sehun. The youngest read it quickly and shook his head to Jongin. The chair scraped the floor as Jongin stood up, sending plates, metal, and food on the floor. Chanyeol sniffed, light sobs making his shoulders shake. He pinched his nose bridge, shutting his eyes. He begged that this was all a dream but Sehun’s arms wrapped around his shoulders, rubbing his arm. It’s real. Baekhyun’s gone.

—

Jongdae did stay through everything. He watched Baekhyun get prepped for his memorial service until he was brought there. He’s granted the first viewing. In his mourning suit, he looked at his beloved peacefully. He hasn’t smiled nor did he have a reason to. Jongdae visibly lost weight too. He’s slowly accepting the truth but hasn’t shed a tear since the announcement of Baekhyun’s death. So everyone mourned. Except him and Chanyeol.

 

It’s past midnight and no one’s seen him. Sehun swore he dressed Chanyeol in his suit and watched him get in his car. They saw the car in the parking spot of the memorial hall but no sign of the man. Jongdae found him in the empty cafeteria, staring at a cup. Beside the cup was an old photo of him and his half-brother. Jongdae sat in front of him, sliding another photo. It’s him and Baekhyun. Chanyeol looked up to Jongdae’s sad smile.

 

“Why haven’t you seen him?” Jongdae sounded tired. Chanyeol only shook his head. “Okay, but the hall’s open until 2am. Do you want me to clear everyone out?”

“Why are you so okay with this?” Chanyeol felt annoyed at his composure.

“One of us have to strong for each other.” Chanyeol swallowed hard. He’s heard these exact words. From Baekhyun. He felt a whiplash of the past. Suddenly the person in front of him was Baekhyun.

 

The smile on his face disappeared, confused why Chanyeol had tears in his eyes. “Oh? What is this?” Baekhyun reached over, wiping his cheek. “Why are you still crying? You’ve been doing that for three months already, Yeolie. Drink some water.” Baekhyun pushed the cup to him. “Oh, not this. It looks nasty.” He pushed it away from them.

“You’re not real.” Chanyeol whispered, feeling mocked.

“See how you want it. But this is all in your head.” He tapped Chanyeol’s temple. “I’m not going anywhere. You think you’ll get rid of me? Your favourite and annoying brother?” Baekhyun scoffed. This made Chanyeol scoff too.

“Did it hurt?” He changed tact. Baekhyun just smiled calmly.

“Jongdae helped me get through it. You for the most part,” Baekhyun reached for his hand. “Chanyeolie, thank you for taking care of me, for being a best brother one could ask for. We might not be full blood but I felt everything. Sorry for picking on your ferret.” Chanyeol chuckled at the random comment. “But you’re free now. You can continue your music and go around the world. I’m not holding you back anymore.”

“You never were.” Chanyeol whispered, looking at their hands. “Baekhyunnie, you’re my family. You’re the only one who understood me when our parents didn’t. You defended me, my wants and all. It’s just sad I don’t have a brother anymore.”

“What are you talking about? Isn’t Jongdae technically your brother-in-law now? Chanyeol, promise me you’ll take care of him. Promise me Minseok doesn’t go near him. Help him find someone with a kind heart. And I kind of entrusted you to him.” Baekhyun smiled innocently. Chanyeol understood the sentiment, smiling a bit. “Now I think you need to be somewhere.”

“And where will you go?” Chanyeol’s sadness crept in again. Baekhyun thought for a moment.

“The North Star,”

 

Chanyeol blinked his eyes twice, seeing the chair in front of him empty. “Are you coming?” Jongdae’s already by the entrance of the cafeteria, waiting for him. Chanyeol looked at the chair again then the photos in front of him. He knew there were two photos but now there’s three. One was him and Baekhyun as kids, another was Jongdae and Baekhyun, the last was Chanyeol and Baekhyun just a few weeks ago. Underneath it was a letter; Baekhyun’s will for him.

 

Chanyeol knelt in front of his brother’s photo, bowing to him one last time. His hand touched the wood, caressing it with a sigh. He turned around, slowly walking away from him. Sehun stayed by his side, walking first. Jongdae had his hands in his pocket, looking at the room one last time. Chanyeol looked back to the room, the candles, the flowers, and his brother’s smile. He’ll never forget him. Never.

 

Jongdae turned around slowly, eyes watering again. His chest began to constrict. But he had to be strong. They stayed in Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s house, silently moving around. Jongdae looked at the picture frames, smiling a bit upon seeing Baekhyun’s playful nature. Chanyeol retired early, leaving Jongdae to lock up. Jongdae turned the lights off one by one, sighing at the quietness. He was on his way to the guest room when a door stopped his tracks. It vaguely pulled him to that direction. He looked behind him then at Chanyeol’s door. He took one step back, the pull getting stronger. Then Jongdae stepped in Baekhyun’s room.

 

He hasn’t stepped out since.

**Author's Note:**

> That's it. There's nothing after this. There is but I'm not elaborating anymore. I regret nothing. Thanks for reading!


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